There has been a few friends of mine that compare me to Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory due to the strictly-logic view of the world we share. Furthermore, people have said I'm very "robotic" in my thoughts. This characteristic does not appear to be the best to have, as I've had good friends complain on my "lack of emotions". So I thought I should spend time sharing my experience with emotions and hope to develop a series of posts to help both others and myself understand this very human experience of life. It also just happens I'm feeling sad and hope this will help me carry on and positively accelerate me back to feeling happy.
Most recently I was told that I failed at increasing the happiness of another person. All I could say was, "Okay." Because I use this a lot and constantly seem to upset people further, I feel I need to explain why I think the response "okay" is justified. Using "okay" represents a confirmation. Human feelings can't be shared and even if I want to try to change that feeling the fact is the feeling occurred. Thus, confirming my understanding is warranted. But back to the scenario, I had the sad feeling. I actually was surprised with the analogy I had when asked to describe how I felt. I described my feeling as a Jenga tower missing a piece - less stable. Moreover, I also felt locked up or speechless and ashamed. The ashamed feeling stems from the instant realization of the impossibility of fixing and/or trying anything different. I've had this whenever I've felt sad: the "bad" child when my mom died, the "lazy" soccer player when I didn't make the team, and the "disorganized" friend when I forget people's birthdays.
When I come to a point where I know I can't change or fix the situation, that is when sadness reveals itself to me. So sadness seems to come hand-in-hand with what I consider failure. And because true failure only exists when dealing with people, because you can't fix something as complex as a human, I think I've only felt sadness when other people are involved.
I think I'm seeing why I developed my "lone wolf" personality...
You are very much like me- I shut down/in when pressed to talk about my emotions/feelings. You certainly shouldn't feel ashamed. I have said "ok" in situations where I was said to be uneffective, or unemotional, or uncommunicative (which upset them that I responded with ok)- but it was an affirmation, as you said. I didn't have anything to expand on at the time, as I have a longer thought process than most, or I didn't want to share what I was thinking/feeling as it makes me vulnerable. I have also felt locked up at times. You shouldn't feel ashamed, though, if there is really nothing to be done, or if something can be done but is impossible. We, I think, are achievers (I'll tell you about this), and it causes psychological harm (to put it strongly) when there is nothing to be done! It is simply how we are wired and I think this is where that ashamed feeling comes from - feeling like you are failing when really, you are not.
ReplyDeleteI've often described myself as a territorial lone wolf. That is interesting that you came to the same conclusion. I also think that you have a very strong and resilient "spirit" though if you only become sad when people are involved. To me, that means that you are extremely positive or another word that I can't think of, and literally need to be dragged to sadness. It is a very useful emotion though- I become quite reflective on larger issues when "sad" with a very different perspective that I find useful- I cannot always access this perspective when I am "happy". Jackson Pollack (granted, he had depression), and many other artists, embraced their emotions (often sadness) to create great and beautiful and cherished works of art. Just don't go around eating the paint...